Futureworld, blog 2

So, its the 2nd day of this stuff. This blog that's supposed to promote mental healing. (VA counselor suggested it.) Every day I take 600 mg of a drug called Nefazadone which is the maximum any human can ingest of that stuff. Supposedly, its non-habit forming but a few years ago I tried taking myself off the dosage and experienced severe (acute?) anger, flashbacks, and didn't sleep more than 2 hours a night until I got back on it. One day off the drug and I can really tell a difference in my attitude. Others notice it, too. So I take 300 mg every morning and 300 mg every night. Don't know whether its a "crutch" for the psyche or not but I'm just comfortable with it now after 12 years on the stuff. And it beats the alternative--the suicide attempts, crazy actions, violent hair trigger temper, bad nightmares, etc. etc.!
Back in 1997 was when I first went to the Vet Center in North Little Rock. I went at the behest of my boss (himself a war veteran) who said he thought I might find it helpful for me. I didn't know he knew I had a problem in that area but he was older and pretty wise and I guess he noticed something in my actions that "wasn't quite right." I do remember playing around one day when I saw some gooks on the car lot, got an umbrella and squatted down beside a window and aimed the umbrella at 'em and pretended to shoot 'em. I made the "pow" noise and when the other guys looked over at me I told 'em that asians looked great when they were dead with blood-matted black hair, their sun baked swollen bodies filled with maggots! My boss witnessed my little scene and that's when he suggested I might need assistance from the Vet Center.
So I went. I walked into a counselor's office, sat down across from her desk and stared at her for a minute or two; then I completely fell apart. Boohooed uncontrollably. Never said a word, just sat there and released about 27 years of pent-up emotion. The counselor, an older retired VA RN named Mary just sat there. She did offer me a box of kleenex. I gave her my DD214. She looked at it and said something about me being a "hero." (have always disliked that term) She read aloud. "Silver Star, 4 Bronze Stars with V for valor, Purple Heart, Army Commendation Medal with V for valor," and she went on and on reading everything out loud. She said that after looking at that she was surprised I had waited so long because she knew I probably had been carrying around a lotta baggage for a lotta years. And I had.